The horror. . .the horror. . . .

Today is a defining and singularly appalling day in my life. So, in the unlikely event that you don't get what I'm referring to in my title for this post, it's important that you do.

The above is to be read a la Marlon Brando as the bloody and nearly dead Walter E. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now; only with a lot more inherent horror (for me, anyway).  I have watched this movie once, and only once. And wish that I hadn't ever seen it, because it was too disturbing for me to deal with even the once (and I have a really high tolerance for things that are disconcerting in film).  Today was like experiencing for real the distress and horror of watching Apocalypse Now.  And I don't know how I am ever going to recover. Seriously.

The day began with none of the foreboding it should have. After waking up, I went to the used book sale at the Public Library, where I bought six hardback books, and four paperback books (including two Norton Anthologies--awesome!) for $8.  On my way out, I saw a room marked "Specially Priced Books."  This piqued my interest, so I wandered in, and luckily found a dozen or so beautiful, little, red Waverly Novels printed in 1895.  Oh, how I love old books!  Alas, I only had cash to buy three of them, but I was ecstatic, nonetheless, when I went home.

Nubby, Candy Andy, Bear, Bobbie & the baby, and Mique were all there hanging out when I got home.  And they were all eating chips and dip.  I went into the living room and, as always, suspiciously hovered over the dip trying to ascertain whether or not it was safe for me to eat.  It was difficult to tell.  But Andy said "It's artichoke dip." So I ate some. After I ate some, he said: "Made with chicken" which I laughed at, since he always says things like that to throw me.  As I proofread his paper, I continued eating the artichoke dip.

As I got up to go work on our group project, I leaned over to get some more dip while telling Mique that "I'm addicted to this!"  The moment I put it in my mouth, my mom says "Don't eat that! It has chicken in it!" At which point, I nearly threw up in my mouth and/or blacked out.

My entire existence has been called into question.  I have not touched meat (except for the two times I tried to try fish) since I was twelve.  That's one year shy of two decades sans meat.  And today, all of that was erased. The only characteristic that I've ever been steady about, the only thing that I feel some comfort in defining myself by is gone.  I'm no longer a vegetarian. I ate meat.  I didn't hate it.  Not only did I not hate it--I actually liked it (granted it only tasted like cheese to me, but still. . . .I didn't notice. And I should have).  Today is now my own, personal, apocalypse, and has led to a complete deconstruction of my identity and moral structure (along with permanent nausea).  And everyone else just finds it funny.


Who will be their voice? Who will hear their cries? The ones who cannot speak--as we dehumanize incarcerated innocents, their sentience ignored; slaughtered by the millions for the pseudo-carnivores. What a waste of our time, of our land, of our humanity (Good Riddance, "Waste")

Hi. My name is Illy, and I'm a MACoholic.

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive, If you don't have it your on the other side. I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie). (K's Choice, “I'm Not an Addict”)

Stage 1: Awareness and Early Acknowledgment; Complete. But, then, it has been for a long time; and this is as far in the recovery process as I've gotten. Well, I guess I've kind of made it to Stage 2: Consideration and Incubation. But since the only considering I do is what colors I'm going to get next, I don't think pretending to be at stage 2 counts. This particular bender began with over 33 colors. This narrowed down to colors I really really wanted. At which point I realized that I may have a legitimate problem—but not really, since I don't even do it all the time. And, at least it's socially acceptable by not being drugs or alcohol. Right?

As with many addicts, I can pinpoint where the problem began. With a little bit of fuzziness surrounding the exact details. It was about 12 years ago; and it began with equal parts love for the makeup and love of looking at Burke--the ridiculously attractive makeup artist who worked there. Alas, (as is so often the case) he was gay. Of course that didn't stop us from looking; or joking that someone (particularly Spring, since she was the hottest) should try to persuade him to join our team, much like Elaine tried to do (in episode 102 of Seinfeld). We never did, though (try, that is) and, even after he relocated to the east coast, we continued our regular trips to the MAC makeup counter for our fix.

Since then, the need for a fix has only gotten worse. My ability to resist the urges has gotten better, however. As of now, I only have:

2 lipsticks
2 lipliners
3 fluidlines
2 eyeliners
1 brow liner
1 brow gel
1 liquid foundation
1 loose powder
1 compact powder
2 paints (a remarkable feat)
1 matte face finish
1 fast response eye cream
1 mineralize skin finish
1 cream color base
2 full sized lipglass tubes (and an unknown number of sample sizes)
75 eyeshadows (4 of which are duplicates, so it really should only be 71. Also, 28 are anniversary palette colors, so they shouldn't count for full credit. And a number of the items were gifts)
97 Total

When divided over the span of my addiction, this comes out at just over 8 items per year. That's not even one per month which is really, really stellar as far as addictions go, I think. I'm going to give myself a gold star for that.

Oh. Right. I have to include the items that started this whole introspective endeavor. So, I had the 33 eyeshadows I really really wanted in my shopping cart, for a total of $490. Not. Affordable. (One day I hope it will be, but it is most definitely not at this point.) However, I definitely did deserve a kind of splurge to reward myself for working so hard through the second session of boot camp (and I still hadn't gotten anything for myself for completing the first session). I took a deep breath, and asked myself: “What can I not live without?” The end result was 18 colors. Still too many for my poor bank account.

Time to call a sponsor.

Me: Mique. You have to save me: I cannot narrow it down any further.
Mique: Huh?
Me: I'm at MAC online (they have free shipping). I had 33 items in my cart, and I narrowed it down to 18, but I can go no further.
Mique: Well, you should probably get rid of colors that are similar to what you already have.
Me: (whining) I already did.
Mique: What about colors in your cart that are similar to eachother?
Me: There aren't any. (Not quite a lie. But almost)
Mique: Hmmmm. Well, when I went to MAC last, I ended up taing back 3 colors that I loved, but didn't go with much that I already had. So, maybe you should do the same?
Me: (amplified whining) That's how I went about choosing what to put in the cart in the first place! It's all stuff to go with what I already have and need complements for.
Mique: Ok. Let me get online, and we'll go through your shopping card. Tell me what you have, and what your limit is and I'll help you narrow it down.

Half an (excruciating) hour later, I had (with much reluctance) removed 6 whole eyeshadows from my cart. And I called it good. (Oh, I also got 2 eyeliners. Don't judge me! I lost my black one!)

All that said, I suppose I have to include those 12 items to my list; making my grand total 109 MAC products that I own (not including brushes. Dammit!) Still, that's only one more item per year, average. Which is nothing.

So, now, as I impatiently await my new colors (while simultaneously mourning the 21 lost to necessity) I contemplate how people with real addictions can survive at all. Perhaps I really have made it to Step 2.

3-2-1 Contacts

And it doesn't look that way to me in my eyes.(Minor Threat, “In My Eyes”)

There is an awesome commercial that says "When you can't breathe, nothing else matters." Indeed. Only slightly less true is that when you can't see not much else matters. Especially when cycling, driving or taking notes in class. I know this because (due to laziness and idiocy) I have gone for about three years without seeing (anything farther than 15 feet clearly, anyway).

I never bothered going to the doc to get a new prescription to replace my glasses after I lost them in my bike wreck. For over two years. In spite of my constant struggle in classes to read what professors were writing on boards, seeing signs (or much of anything) while driving at night, and missing holes in the road etc while riding my bike. However, as our bike tour from Portland to San Francisco became imminent, I finally make an appointment with the opthamologist (literally a week before we left. Procrastinate much, Ill?) I used the trial pair of contacts I was given for the ride. . . .and for every other time I cared to see for the next nine months. For reasons unknown (even to myself) I never bothered filling the prescription for my contacts. (I also never bothered getting glasses; but that’s completely understandable, as far as I’m concerned, as it’s incredibly difficult to find glasses that fit my face.)
 
Recently, as the cycling season approaches (and as the year-long shelf life of my prescription is coming to an end), I’ve become interested in seeing once again. This interest prompted me to scrounge up my prescription and order some contacts online (as it’s too much effort to go into an actual store. Right?). Shockingly, even though I ordered them late Friday afternoon, they were in the mail yesterday! And now the world looks like a photograph, instead of a watercolor painting. The edges, depth perception and capacity to see while driving at night is amazing! So amazing that I think I may actually try to stick with this whole seeing thing this time around.

OK Computer

Karma police, arrest this girl. She stares at me as if she owns the world and we have crashed her party. (Radiohead “Karma Police”)

I am writing my first blog post from my pretty new computer! Yes, even the computer itself is pretty. It glows blue! And Andy and (wow, that's a lot of “ands” in a row) his brother hooked me up with Windows 7, which I heart because, it too, is pretty! (I am a huge sucker for all that's aesthetically pleasing in life).

The reason I even have a new computer isn't all that interesting (even if the end result is. To me at least). After attempting to play a game on my computer while he was here, Andy persuaded me into believing that I needed to upgrade my poor, old, overused PC that I built over half a dozen years ago. After some (halfhearted) resistance, I realized I actually did need to retire the machine I built for EverQuest (which is sad on at least two levels).

So I found all the parts I needed online, and placed an order. Then, being a stellar boyfriend, and also much better at everything than I am, Andy helped me (via a webcam and GoogleTalk) assemble all my new components when they arrived. Thanks to him, this build went much much more smoothly than the last time I did it (entirely by myself). We had it up and running after two nights' work, and even got to play a game on it for a bit tonight. The graphics are amazing (I can't wait to play more games). Having an organized computer is amazing. Having a legitimate operating system is amazing. Not having to wait an eternity for the computer to start, or for files or programs to open is beyond amazing. In short, I could not be happier or more excited to have my new, speedy, and pretty computer on my desk. Happy day!

Snowing Ash

Oh I do believe In all the things you see What comes is better than what came before. (Cat Power, "I Found a Reason" (Velvet Underground Cover))

For all that is frustrating about JeffJon (to be divulged in later posts), he is inherently (potentially excessively) thoughtful. My favorite thoughtful gesture he made was a CD compilation he titled "Snowing Ash" that I found on my car one winter morning. As it is now presently snowing outside (six days into April), it suited both the weather and my mood to listen to the CD he left me. The tracks are as follows (and are almost all recommended, if you're interested):

1. It's a Wonderful Life (Sparklehorse)
2. Battening the Hatches (Mt. Egypt)
3. How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead)
4. Fool (Cat Power)
5. Weary Blues from Waiting (Jesse Sykes)
6. Pyramid Song (Radiohead)
7. She's Half (American Analogue Set)
8. Never Meant (Owen)
9. I Found a Reason (Cat Power)
10. Sail to the Moon (Radiohead)
11. Untitled (Pelican)
12. We're the Ordinary (Star Flyer 59)
13. Videotape (Radiohead)

Thanks for the stellar comp JJ. Especially, especially for the Pelican song, which may be the most ethereal song I've ever heard.