Coley

and isn't it ironic sometimes? the things we take for granted are what we wanted before we knew why (Face to Face, "Can't Change the World")


Today the oil spill I've been swimming in for months was slightly contained.  All thanks to the little black haired girl I broke up with close to a decade ago.  In spite of being terrified of seeing her again, for years, I've wanted it more than anything.  I've missed her desperately, especially for the last couple of years. In spite of everything (time, distance, how it ended) she's been the most important person in my life.  Today, I finally understood why: I can breathe around Nicole.  None of the myriad masks I feel like I have to wear, or filters I have to apply in every other interaction of my life apply when I'm around her.  There is not a single other human alive that I feel that kind of freedom around.  If there are soul mates, she is mine. 

I was sooooo nervous about seeing her. Driving to Starbucks, I felt like I was going to a first date with a guy I'd crushed on for ages. I was ill with nerves wondering if I'd recognize her, how I'd approach her, what I'd say, and if "we" could live up to my memory of how we were, or if it would just be an awkward, epic disappointment that would taint how I saw our history together.  And then, as I was parking, I saw a girl walking. I didn't have my contacts in, so I couldn't see any details--but the way she walked I knew it was Coley. Somehow, we parked within three cars of each other, and arrived at almost the exact same time.  Initially, I thought I'd let her walk through the doors before I got out of the car, but once I realized how retarded I was being, I decided to try to catch up to her, and walk to Starbucks with her.  But she turned around and started walking toward me, before she even saw me.  "Coley?"  "Brookey! I need to go back to my car to get my hoodie.  I don't want to get r.t. and have everyone see. Is that ok?"  And that's it.  It was as easy and normal as it was when we saw each other every day of our lives.  Only, I knew nothing about her life. And she has new (and great) boobs. But  three hours sitting in purple chairs drinking coffee made me feel like we were just best friends hanging out again like we always used to.  It was amazing.  I really hope it means we'll be good friends again; because, this time, I won't make the mistake of taking her for granted.