"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." W.C. Fields
The following story, like many stories, begins with a boy and girl meeting. In World of Warcraft. They ended up in an online relationship that continued for more than a year and a half, and officially ended this week. The boy is my friend Mike, the girl is named Becky, and I am part of this story because my friendship caused tension in their relationship. To alleviate this tension, I allowed Mike to give Becky my number so she could talk to me and realize that I was not a threat to her. I did this in spite of not liking her, and thinking that she was annoying, and that something was very clearly wrong with her to be so desperately interested in Mike. I did it because she seemed to be kind, thoughtful and generous to Mike and I don't want him to be single forever. I thought maybe he'd gotten lucky and had found someone as perfect for him as I had for me though the same medium. This story is about how bloody wrong I was.
While I was in Cali visiting Andy in May, Mike called me and told me that Becky had just called to tell him he was interfering with her "mission" so she had to "let him go." When he asked "what mission?" she informed him that she wasn't exactly human, and that she had been sent to earth from heaven to accomplish a very specific mission to help people, and had a special place next to God reserved for her in heaven. Mike said "So, what, you're an angel, or something?" Her answer was "Basically." That's why she'd been so nice to Mike and me--we were people she thought she could help. But in "helping" people, she took on all their sins, which is why she was sick so often and so severely sick when she got sick.
As if being an angel (ish) wasn't enough, she also notified Mike that she has prophetic dreams. Which is how she "heard from a reliable source" (who knew both Mike and me in real life) that Mike and I were sleeping together. Because of Mike's "betrayal" she couldn't talk to him at all for a couple weeks, and then cried every time she spoke to him for another two weeks, until I finally convinced her that I was not sleeping with Mike. And her effing dream was the reliable source. Amazing.
She also told him that she wasn't supposed to fall in love, but in her attempt to help Mike, she had fallen in love which distracted her from her mission. Because he had distracted her, he was going to suffer for it (at which point she suggested that someone he cared about may die as punishment). She finally said that she was being sent on a quest and was going to be tested, so it was time to let him go. He asked if that meant she was canceling her trip to meet us, and she said yes.
Then, while we were in Jackson Hole, Becky sent me this text: "Will u be around next weekend do u think? I'll be in SLC next Saturday--June 26. Not sure how long I'm in Utah though :)"
Hmmmm. Interesting.
After telling her I would be in town, but unavailable, I called Mike to ask him why she told me she was coming when he had he told me she wasn't? He said he'd call me back. After he got off the phone with her, he called and told me that he asked her why she was coming when she told him she wouldn't be. She said that her quest had been delayed a bit, so she decided she would still come to Utah. He told her that he had moved on after she broke up with him three weeks before, and that she needed to cancel her flight. This led to the following conversation with me (I saved all of her texts--which appear in italics--so they are all verbatim).
I don't know what to do. Mikey dumped me out of his live so now I have to stay in a hotel and it's like $100 a night so I probably can only afford to stay a few nights unless I sleep in the park :(?"
Me: Well, Mike told me that you had broken up with him last month, so I think it's understandable he doesn't want you to stay with him.
No I didn't dump him! He dumped me! We had a discussion about some stuff and then he stopped calling me. He won't return any of my texts/calls and now I'm stuck without anywhere to stay. I would still really love to see u even if Mike doesn't want to see me.
I can't offer you a place to stay since I'm living with my parents and Andy will be staying here that week.
It's ok I understand maybe I can camp out somewhere for a few days or something.
I don't know what to tell you--I only know what he told me. If that's not how it was, it sounds like you two had a serious misunderstanding. Give him a bit to calm down and try to talk to him about it tomorrow.
Its ok none of this is your fault and I'm crying too hard right now to talk anyway. I can barely breath [I guess she didn't realize that texting doesn't require talking, or breathing for that matter-not directly, anyway. And that breathe does require an e at the end]
Just call or text him tomorrow and see if you can get things figured out with him
No he ended it for good [I suppose that you ended it only temporarily in May, then?]. [The drama distracted me from suggesting that maybe she should be upset more often if it actually allows her to "breath".]
I'm sorry you feel that way Becky.
I love Mike so much with all my heart and he hates me. This man I would do anything in the world for never wants to speak to me again. Words can't even describe the pain and sadness and anguish I'm going through right now. I tried so hard to be the perfect girl for him, but nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough for him. I would still give up my life for his. I would still fight with every ounce of strenght I posses for him, but it won't do any good. I've truly lost everything now that I've lost him [Really? Really?! Remember how you have never even MET the guy, Becky?]
You haven't lost everything, Becky. You still have your kids and your friends and there are plenty of other guys out there.
No I don't [want?] someone else. I love him. Things won't get better only worse from here. I'm done living. That happy girl I once was is dead and gone now. Mike killed her tonight. I don't have any strenght to go on. My life is officially over. You couldn't know how right you were when u said loving him was a dangerous job [Side note: I actually never said that] I just didn't realize it would ever be this bad. I never thought he would be the one to finally crush what was left of my heart for good.
I know that breaking up can be really hard, but it's not the end of the world. You'll meet someone who lives in the same state and that you can know in person, and it'll get better eventually.
No I don't want someone else. He killed me tonight inside and out but thank you for your support.
Spring took over responding for me at this point. I think she said something about living for her kids and just focusing on them for awhile.
No. Your not listening to me sweetheart. I'm done with life. My kids will be fine without me. So will everyone else. Mike ripped my heart out and killed the last bit of joy and happiness I had. I don't plan on sticking around in life to see him get married to another woman and have kids with her. [Again, you've never even seen Mike, so I kinda doubt you'll "see" the person he may marry or the children he may have in the future] My heart just couldn't take it [Clearly. Since it's one heart that has now been ripped out twice, broken and smashed to a million pieces once. Yet, in spite of all of that, there's still a bit left that's open for crushing.] He has completely destroyed every part of me. There is just simply nothing left.
When Mike sent her a text that said "Cancel your flight." She sent this text to him, which he kindly forwarded to me: "Why do you keep saying that. Do u think my plane is going to crash or something. At this point I would be happy if it crashed and burned but I won't bother u I promise. I love you more than anything in this world. I will let u go if that's what u want. I don't want u to be as miserable as I am right now :(
Since she seemed to realize it was all over, and again told Mikey that she'd canceled her flight, I thought I was done dealing with her drama. Then, I got a text on the morning of the 26th that said "I'm coming in to Utah today. I'm sure neither you or Mike will see me but I thought that I would let you know anyway. My plane lands at 1:30" I didn't respond. And then, at 1:34 another text "I'm here my plane didn't crash unfortunately. OMG this is so hard. Mike should be here with me. I'm trying so hard not to start sobbing :("
I guess she somehow missed the part where Mike repeatedly he told her she shouldn't come because they were over and she had been told that neither of us would have time for her. And she seems to have gone directly from the airport to Mike's apartment, as Mike's neighbor told him that there was a girl that came by looking for him. When the neighbor described the girl, it was apparent that Becky had gone to Mike's, without telling him, and had waited around for a bit for him to come out of his apartment.
I texted her back "I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Becky. I wish I could help, but I am 100% slammed until next Saturday. I'm going camping in an hour or so, and will be out of touch from then until Monday. But if you text me soon with what hotel you're staying at, I'll recommend something in the area to keep you entertained." She didn't text me early. But she did call me 5 hours after I said I'd be gone, and even though I didn't answer, she left me a mostly indecipherable voicemail that sounded like it might have contained some hotel information, and something about Mike being mean to her, but mostly just sounded like 45 seconds of a cow in heat.
Sunday she was conveniently located outside of Mike's work changing her shoes as he was arriving to work. It sounded like they had a quick and awkward conversation, before he retreated into the building.
Monday was her birthday, and I knew she was having a hard time being in a city with no one to hang out with, so I thought it would be nice to try be nice. Thus I sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday. I immediately got a phone call back, which I couldn't really ignore since I had just texted her and it was her birthday. Dammit!!! I answered with a fakely happy "Hi Becky! Happy birthday!" Silence. Well, not total silence; I could hear some faint crying sounds on the other end. (Why do I always get bitten in the ass when attempting to do something nice?) Clearly I was supposed to ask what was wrong, and even though I didn't want to, I didn't see a way out of it, so I asked "What's wrong?" as sincerely as I could. (Fortunately--for her, and unfortunately, for me--she has the same super power as Michael. Namely: immunity to hearing what other people say, if it's not what you want to hear. So, she didn't notice my insincerity).
"Oh, it's just so terrible! Mike is being mean to me, and won't let me stay with him, so I had to sleep outside on the ground last night, and I sat at the cathedral all day today because I had nowhere to stay. And Mike is trying to pretend like I broke up with him, when i would never do that! Ever! And every hotel in Salt Lake is FULL there are no spaces anywhere, I swear to you."
"I don't know what to tell you Becky, all I know is that Mike called me at the end of May telling me that you had just broken up with him" (I neglected to mention the relief he felt in her doing so, though) "and I have a really really hard time believing that all the hotel rooms in Salt Lake are booked right now." (I had already checked online and found hundreds of available rooms, because Mike had called me earlier to tell me that was her excuse for asking to stay with him.)
"No, no, no. They really are all booked. I swear! And I didn't break up with Mike, he's lying to you! He broke up with me and didn't even tell me he did until after I got here!" (Hmmm. . .I have text messages that prove that you knew you guys were over at least a week before your arrival. But, it's your birthday, so I'll try not to be a bitch.)
"Well, Becky, it sounds like you must have some miscommunication going on between the two of you, and I don't know anything more about it than what I've said. If I can find a hotel room for you online, I'll let you know. I've gotta go."
The next day I get a text saying "please call me or text me when you get a chance. I would like to at least see you once while I'm here if that's possible." I'd had it. I responded saying "Remember how I told you that I'm involved in a wedding that's taking place this week, and that my sister is also moving this week, and that Andy is here visiting, and I wouldn't have time for you until after all of that was over? It hasn't changed. Like I've mentioned before, if you want to do dinner on Saturday, I can do that. But that's it, so please quit asking me to get in touch with you until then."
Gratefully, I didn't hear from her on Wednesday. But, then, I got this text at 11pm Thursday: "Talking to your ex-boyfriend right now. He is such a sweetheart." And then a message from Loki "I met your good friend Becky tonight. That sucks that you and Mike aren't making time for her, Mike is an ass." I told Logan about how crazy she was, and got this (translated) text back "Well Mike won't reply or call her back. She loves you and made it sound like you guys were great friends: Mike, you and your boyfriend. I hung out with her for 2 hours and she told me she slept outside one night, she was all upset like 'I booked my flight in February, they knew I was coming, and they abandoned me' And she told me a few things about you, and your boyfriend that were funny."
Good. So she hunted down the bar I go to in order to talk shit about me, Mike and my current boyfriend to my old boyfriend. Stellar.
Saturday rolls around. Nubby and cAndy are gone, Andy is gone, I have bad cramps and I haven't slept in days. I am a really unhappy camper, but I go to Mike's because I'd promised to do dinner. I got to Mike's, and we took a shot of SoCo to take the edge of dealing with Becky. She shows up a few minutes after I do, and walks in with sunglasses on (which is fine) walks up to me and half-hugs me, and I (happily--I'm really trying hard, here) "Hi Becky! It's nice to meet you!" No response from Becky. Just a sniffly retreat to the edge of Mike's couch where she plops down, looking at the ground with sunglasses still on. I roll my eyes, and take a deep breath as I try to transmit the message "I am going to punch her in the throat" to Mike via glare. She doesn't see, and I say (again, happily) "How are you today. You ready for dinner? I'm starving!" Her response? A very sullen "Terrrible." I say "Sorry to hear it, but at least we're about to go have fun, right?" Silence. I wait a very awkward dozen seconds before I say "Unless you don't want to go to dinner anymore. . . ." She picks up her backpack and starts to walk to Mike's door, and for a moment I think "We're free!!!" and then, very sourly, she says "Fine. We can still go to dinner." I stop Mike and say, "I'm going to need a minute before I come down." So I stay and take a few deep breaths, and walk to the car.
We all get into the car, and, as a means of making conversation, I ask "So, you met Logan?" In a complaining and accusatory tone, her response is "Yes. He was the ooonly person who talked to me the entire time I was here." Done. So done. "Becky, you do realize that both Mike and I have talked to you while you were here, right? Repeatedly, in fact. And just because we didn't make as much time for you as you wanted doesn't mean you can be pretend we didn't talk to you at all. You should be grateful that we have made any time for you, since you weren't even supposed to come here in the first place." She then proceeds to say "Well, it's not really you; it's mostly Mike. I wasn't supposed to stay with you. And he's been mean to me the entire time I've been here. He knew I was coming, and yet wouldn't let me stay with him. And every time I tried to talk to him he's just yelled at me, and made me cry and been so mean to me." Mike is sitting there just taking it, and I am furious that she is both flat out lying, and acting like Mike isn't even there. So I go off on her, telling her that it's bullshit that she'd sit there and try and pass off as truths lies that we all know are lies, and that she's been manipulative, deceitful and exploiting of our kindness during the entire ridiculous drama surrounding her visit. I continue to tell her that every time I've talked to Mike he's always told me about how he's trying to find ways of helping her, or making time for her and that I know Mike way better than to believe he has ever yelled at her.
She again ignores everything I've said and just says "All I know is that, if either of you ever came to Chicago, I wouldn't abandon you." So I just say "Well all I know is that neither Mike nor I would come to Chicago when we said we weren't going to, or ask people to make time for us who told us in advance of our arrival that they wouldn't have time for us." Mike tries to step in and say something in a calm, civilized manner that I couldn't manage, but I don't hear anything he says because I'm too livid to.
We park, get out of the car, and walk to the restaurant and Becky continues to try to pick fights by making victim-statements "I know you both hate me now" etc. I'm ignoring her, and walking ahead of them, because I don't want to be fighting in the middle of Pottery Barn (which we have to walk through to get to the restaurant, thanks to construction), and all I hear is Mike, again, trying to calmly speak to her. He is a saint.
We get to the restaurant (The Pub @ Trolley Square) and sit at a table on the patio. Actually, Mike and I sit at a table and Becky pointedly sits at a different table. What. The. Fuck. (The following conversation was carried on in a surprisingly subdued tone, thanks to the setting.) "Becky. Why the hell are you sitting there?" "Why can't I sit here?" "Because you're having dinner with us, supposedly, which means you should sit by us. Somewhere we can actually have dinner and conversation together." "But why can't I just sit here?" "I'm sorry. Was I unclear? Let me give you a different reason, then. Because it's incredibly rude for you to take away the option of a table for another party because you want to throw a tantrum. That's why." "Fine!" said in the glorious tone and manner of a two year old, and accompanied by a really adorable (honey-thick sarcasm) hurling of her not-small-self against the bench across from where Mike and I were sitting, causing a jolt big enough that the people sitting at the far end of the bench on the opposite side to look over at us with a "What the hell was that?" look. I looked over at her and said "I am done. I will not waste my time having dinner with you tonight." And I got up and left.
She and Mike followed me, Mike again talking to her in a collected manner I was wholly incapable of, and Becky intermittently asking "What did I do to make you so mad at me?" Again, I wasn't going to talk to her at all in the middle of Pottery Barn. I was walking toward the car, when I realized that it was a terrible idea to do so, because I was not getting in a car with her, and I started to change directions, but they had caught up with me. Again she asks what she did, and I say "Seriously?!! You are being a passive-aggressive drama queen with a victim complex, and going about it like a child would. I'm done with it and I am done with you!" "I'm sorry. I had no idea. I've just had such a bad trip. I've been stalked, mugged, robbed, had to sleep outside and had no one to talk to the whole time I was here!" "Oh my god, Becky! Whose fault is that? You were not supposed to even come. You told Mike on multiple occasions that you'd canceled your trip here! And then you come, and whine from day one that Mike should be here with you, when you knew perfectly well he wasn't going to be, and spend the rest of the trip trying to make both Mike and I feel like we're bad people for neglecting you, and glorifying your own fake suffering, and making up shit like 'all the hotels in Salt Lake are completely booked!' It's lies. It's bullshit. And it's not like you're not the only one who has bad days! A sister I adore just left, my boyfriend just left, and I haven't had a real night's sleep in days because I've been busy working on stuff for a wedding. And you can't even put on a civil face and act like an adult human being for 3 seconds, to say 'It's nice to meet you, too' or to have dinner together?! It's utter bullshit. I was making a real effort to let you have a nice night here, and you did everything you could to undermine it and play the victim at every turn. Fuck you, Becky." And I walked away. Somewhat (but not really) ashamed of being such a complete wench.
After walking to the park, I realized that I had completely abandoned Mike and I legitimately felt bad about leaving him with her. So I called him and told him I would come back, and go to dinner if that's what it took, but I would rather not. He said we could just drop her off at her hotel and then go to dinner ourselves. I walked back, and as I got close to them Becky walked up to me and said "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were having a bad day. Can we start over? I didn't know you were having a bad day." I said "You know the reason you didn't, Becky? Because I was trying to make you have a nice day. Because I was putting my troubles aside to try to have a nice evening with you and Mike. Of course I wasn't going to go on about my bad day." "Well, I just didn't know and I've had such a terrible terrible time here, I'm sorry. And you're usually so sympathetic, I just couldn't understand why you'd be so angry. Can we please just erase the night and start over?" Resisting my urge to attack her again, I instead said "If you're willing to start over again, entirely, then, yes. We can have dinner, if that's what Mike wants to do." Mike said he did, and we started our second journey to the Pub. Before we had even walked in the doors of Pottery Barn, again, Becky said "I know this is probably the last night either of you will talk to me." I interrupted her and said "If this is starting over, let's just call it off, now." At which point she quit speaking, entirely.
We found a table, and started looking at the menu, and discussing what was good. When she hadn't looked at us, or said a word to either of us for over five minutes, Mike asked "What looks good to you, Becky?" "Oh, nothing. Nothing, I'm far too upset to eat." "What about to drink? What kind of beer do you like?" "Oh, no. Nothing will stay in my stomach right now. Not even water." Eeyore himself couldn't have sounded more like Eeyore than she did. Ugh. We spent the rest of the dinner trying to involve her in conversation and actually start over, but she was not the willing participant she'd pretended to be. But Mike and I had a nice time talking to each other, and we dropped her off at her hotel and wished her good night and good luck, and left. Never to speak to her again. For me, at least.
Sometime that night, however, she left Mike an envelope under his door that contained a picture of him that she'd printed out, a page of bible quotations on forgiveness, and $105 in cash. Odd. But I think she underpaid him for having to deal with her drama for a week.
Her closing remarks to Mike, via text, were: "I've made it back to Chicago. My plane didn't crash, unfortunately. I've lost my friend. I've lost one of my best friends. I've been home a few days now, but I still cry myself to sleep every night. I wonder if this pain and loneliness will ever end but I don't think it ever will. I know that you don't really care. You proved that to me in Utah and I know it doesn't matter." Enjoy playing the victim in other people's lives, Becky. I won't miss it.
